Growing number of parents across Hampshire subjected to violence from their own children

Adults are living in fear in their own home with more than 12,000 calls a year logged to helplines from desperate victims who are verbally and physically abused every day. These victims though can do little to escape the violence because the attackers are their own children.

This is Hampshire’s hidden world of child-on-parent violence making family life hell across the region with a predicted one in 11 families affected.

However Southampton parenting experts say in reality the situation is much worse with shocking cases in the city alone including:

• A terrified mum Pauline Bubb who has revealed she lived in fear of her own children who beat her up to 30 times a day.

• A nine year old boy known as the Incredible Hulk excluded from school for putting two teachers in hospital – one with a broken wrist and the other with a detached retina - who tried to stab his mum and even plotted to kill her in the middle of the night 

• A seven year old boy who has already completed the violent game Grand Theft Auto, and has threatened his mum with a knife, strangled her, pushed her down the stairs and pushed her through a shop window.

• A 13 year old boy whose violence is so extreme he regularly punches, kicks and spits at his mum. He has tried to suffocate her, held a knife to her, hit her with snooker cues and headbutted her, knocking her to the floor.

• And one boy who kicked his mum so badly that it broke her leg and she ended up in hospital.

Parenting experts Islay Downey and Kim Furnish, known as Southampton’s own supernannies, say many abuse goes unreported because people are too ashamed to admit the violence they face in their own homes.

Between them, Islay and Kim, have worked for 25 years to help desperate families as parenting practitioners for Southampton City Council. But now they are self employed and due to the increase in child-on-parent violence have published a self-help book ‘Parenting A Violent Child - Steps to taking back control and creating a happier home’ to encourage parents who feel powerless to get support.

The book is a step-by-step guide through both the theory and the practice which covers the causes of violence and provides practical ways parents can better understand both their child’s behaviour and their own behaviour.

Islay, the star of Channel 5’s My Violent Child which starts again this week, said after the first programme aired she had more than 50 emails from parents at breaking point pleading for help.

She said: “This is a very unreported issue but the reality is unbelievable. It is heartbreaking adults in society don’t feel their voice should be heard and that the child’s voice should be louder than theirs.

“The problem is there is no statistical evidence because people are so embarrassed and judged. Your child is hitting you, how embarrassing is that and shameful. Meanwhile our media pushes all the lovely images of happy families. You only have to open any lifestyle magazine and of course reality is very different.

“Over 15 years working with some very complex families I think I’ve probably heard it all. I wouldn’t necessarily be shocked but sometimes I am horrified and saddened by what I hear.

“It’s like these parents are living in a war zone.”

Many may associate teenagers with more extreme violence but according to the experts, it can start as early as two with some parents reporting toddlers beating them up.

One four year old child beat his mum so hard he cut her head open and trashed the family flat, according to Islay.

Child on parent violence includes verbal abuse such as swearing and controlling language as well as physical abuse including everything from biting, pinching, punching and kicking to throwing objects and threatening parents with a knife.

“It starts early”, said Islay.

“When parents lack confidence, children get more power than they should. It’s not children who are the demons here, they behave as they do because of us. You need to show warmth to your child but they need boundaries, you need to be firm and fair.

“We say in the book the chance for change comes when you put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.

“A lot of parents say they want the expert to come in and tell us what’s wrong with our child and to deal with them but most times there is nothing wrong with the child. The child is just responding to the experiences they’ve had and those experiences can be pretty awful for them so it’s hardly surprising they react in that extreme way.”

These types of negative experiences can start when the baby is unborn, according to Islay.

“There’s a lot of research now to show that from when you conceive if there is a lot of trauma, that will affect the baby. Often parents will say ‘he came out screaming’ but when you ask what it was like when they were pregnant there are some horrendous situations and that negativity can certainly affect a child later.”

Other factors leading to violence can include children witnessing violent relationships between adults at home, children picking up violent language or behaviour from the internet on their mobile phone or TV, a medical diagnosis of mental health problems, lack of sleep and sugar and caffeine heavy diets.

For a parent suffering the abuse, it’s the unpredictability of their child’s violence that is often the most stressful.

Kim, explained: “If your child is violent, your behaviour as a parent is likely to change because of that. We hear a lot it’s like walking on egg shells.

“It affects parents’ mental health, it can cause loss of confidence, depression, anxiety, and you can get negative coping strategies like turning to alcohol not to mention the pain of the abuse.

“You can relate child on parent violence to typical domestic violence. People don’t report that because there is a certain shame attached. You just carry on, hope it’s going to get better or it’s a stage they are going through, but before you know it, it’s not just a stage, it gets worse.”

Most local authorities have a framework in place to support problem children, however for children who are excluded from school, it is the parents who are responsible.

The most recently available figures show that 118 children aged under 14 were prosecuted for domestic abuse in 2012/13 and more than 2,100 teenagers aged between 14 and 17.

Islay, said: “Parents have a right not to be hit or stabbed or whatever their child has done to them but equally parents have a responsibility to ensure they are not winding their child up so the child feels they have no other option and in my experience the behaviours are so engrained, it isn’t clear cut.

"Prosecution really should be the very last resort because why criminalise a young person which could affect them for the rest of their life, for something that is actually the responsibility of the parent? The parent is the responsible adult.

“Just remember what children want is your time and they want it to be positive.”

Hampshire County Council did not respond to the Daily Echo’s request for information on how local authorities support parents living with violent children.

A spokesperson for Southampton City Council said: "We have a range of services available to parents and young people, including group and individual programmes of support for parents who experience their children’s behaviour as challenging. These are offered following assessment as part of an intervention plan to support parents to understand behaviour and develop strategies."

Hampshire police said if you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic abuse or violence, you do not have to put up with it.

You can call the police on 101 or if you don’t want to talk to the police directly, you can call the anonymous Crimestoppers charity on 0800 555 111. In an emergency, always call 999. 

For more information about Parenting A Child or Southampton’s parenting experts Islay Downey and Kim Furnish go to mvchild.info or instarcoaching.com